Anger: Reconnecting With Our Aliveness to Move Beyond Childhood Patterns

We are all wired to feel anger, but we may only see it as destructive or hurtful. Allowing ourselves to feel authentic anger can play a vital role in moving our lives forward.

I learned to work with the energy of anger in a non-cathartic, self-affirming way from my teacher, Dr. Laurence Heller, founder of the NeuroAffective Relational Model™ (NARM) for healing developmental trauma. In his book Healing Developmental Trauma, co-authored with Aline LaPierre, PsyD, they discuss somatic mindfulness and supporting the biological completion of emotional states. This process helps us connect more deeply with our core aliveness and grow beyond childhood patterns.

Why We Learn to Suppress Anger

We often resist authentic anger because it wasn't allowed in childhood or because we feel powerless to change our circumstances. When distressed, part of the natural response of an infant or child is to protest when basic needs, such as being seen, heard, and emotionally understood, are not met, or when there is abuse. But protesting may risk losing attachment to our caregivers.

This attachment can feel as vital as eating or sleeping, and the possibility of losing it can trigger deep fears of abandonment. Many of us carry these survival patterns into adulthood, fearing isolation or rejection if we're true to ourselves.

Understanding Our Relationship With Anger

Unresolved feelings can lead us to reenact patterns from past relationships, draining our life force. A common pattern is becoming a giver when our needs weren't met as children, without recognizing the resentment that can build from always giving and not receiving in relationships. I find that anger comes up in my work with nearly all my clients. However, anger is often met with resistance. Some clients even say, "I don't do anger." Even when they can't change their circumstances, connecting with their anger can help them show up for themselves differently.

Sometimes clients protect caregivers who hurt them with rationalizations such as, "They had a tough childhood, too."

I explain Dr. Heller's important distinction between the emotion of anger and the behavior of anger. Feeling anger and allowing ourselves to experience our natural protest is different from acting it out through yelling, attacking, or hurting others. When we act out, it's often an attempt to discharge the discomfort, but nothing necessarily changes inside.

Some are so afraid of their anger that they default to sadness, anxiety, or numbness. Dr. Heller teaches that anxiety can sometimes mask suppressed anger. Others turn to anger to avoid feeling deeper pain, blaming or attacking others to protect themselves from vulnerability and the hurt underneath.

Working With Anger Through the Body

In my work, I guide clients through a NARM-informed process of emotional completion, supporting them to feel and own their anger without needing to act it out or discharge it through shouting.

The intention is not to get rid of anger but to develop the capacity to be with its powerful energy, which is part of our life force. As this energy integrates, we can feel a greater sense of inner solidity.

To help prevent overwhelm, I may incorporate Dr. Raja Selvam's approach of expanding the body's capacity through gentle joint opening and somatic awareness. This can create a greater sense of room inside to experience and contain the energy of anger, rather than running from it or becoming overwhelmed by it.

We can then explore what the anger is communicating. Often, it's some form of "I deserve something better than this." Sometimes the protest is as simple as, "No, I don't want this," or "You can't treat me this way."

By listening to and embodying this energy of self-advocacy, clients often experience greater inner strength as they align with their truth, even if they never speak it aloud or others cannot receive it.

I learned from Stefanie Klein, LCSW, and NARM faculty member, that we don't necessarily need closure with the people who hurt us to work through our anger. What's important is to have a relationship with our own emotions.

When Anger and Protest Get Turned Against Ourselves: The Roots of Self-shame

As children, we depend on our parents and caregivers for love, connection, and survival. When our emotional needs aren't met, or when we're repeatedly criticized, pressured, neglected, or made to feel we're not good enough, we often adapt by blaming ourselves.

Dr. Heller describes this as a splitting defense. To preserve our attachment to our caregivers, even when they are abusive, we make them “good” and ourselves “bad.” This allows us to hold on to the hope that if we try harder, become better, or do everything right, we will finally receive the love we need.

Over time, this survival strategy can become a deeply ingrained pattern of self-blame and shame—the belief that something is fundamentally wrong with us.

For example, a child who grew up with critical parents may become an adult who relentlessly pressures herself to do more, be better, or get everything right to be loved. When there has been neglect, the additional internal message may be “I don't matter,” leaving the person feeling like an outsider and afraid to connect.

Brad Kammer, LMFT, LPCC, NARM Training Director, explains that as children, we may have had to disavow our authentic responses, including anger, to failures in our early environment. These responses can then get turned against ourselves in the form of shame.

Trying to talk ourselves out of shame is limited as it's important to face the painful reality of what we didn't receive along with the anger, grief, and loss associated with those early experiences.

Healthy anger and protest can help us separate from the messages we've internalized, develop our own sense of self, and begin relating to ourselves with greater compassion and freedom. In essence, we begin to grow ourselves up.

My hope is that this blog piques your curiosity about your own relationship with anger and inspires you to welcome more of your aliveness.

Brianna Lia Ho, MBA, BBA-PSYC is a NARM Master Practitioner & Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, also certified in Integral Somatic Psychology as well as in spiritual counseling with the American Institute of Health Care Professionals. She’s also trained in somatic attachment work including Transforming the Experienced-Based Brain & Somatic Resilience Regulation, and Neuro-Affective Touch.  She sees clients internationally on Zoom www.Essence-Alive.com.  

Disclaimer: Please note that I am not a psychotherapist or mental health counselor. The info above is not a substitute for licensed medical, psychological or psychiatric help.